


Fool Me Twice

by voodoochild



Category: Lie to Me (TV)
Genre: Awesome Ladies Ficathon, Character Study, F/M, Gen, post-episode
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2010-06-27
Updated: 2010-06-27
Packaged: 2017-10-10 07:32:04
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 540
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/97215
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/voodoochild/pseuds/voodoochild
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Gillian's an excellent liar - especially to herself.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Fool Me Twice

**Author's Note:**

> Written for LadyFest '10, for the prompt "everybody loves a melodrama and the scandal of a lie". Post-ep for "Sweet Sixteen", so consider yourself warned for major spoilers.

Seven years is a long time to lie to someone, but it's even longer to lie to yourself.

She's a psychologist, for God's sake, she knows the definition of "defense mechanism". But she'd rationalized then like she rationalizes now - it was for Emily, everything was for Emily, to keep Emily safe. Good intentions, but you know what they say about the road to hell.

It was never supposed to come out. The Pentagon was supposed to have destroyed the tapes, left no trace behind to prove she'd ever worked there. Doyle was supposed to have been shut up, not left to plot his revenge for a murder no one could be held accountable for. Cal was supposed to focus on the Lightman Group and the future and not keep digging into past sins.

But it comes out, of course it comes out. Gillian confesses the worst of it to Cal (_"He told me to do what I had to do to keep you quiet, or Doyle wouldn't be the only man to lose his wife and daughter."_), but she doesn't tell him everything. She's never been able to tell him everything, leave herself completely open and vulnerable. Bad enough he already reads most of her like a book - if he knew the whole story, he'd never forgive her.

Finch came to see her twice.

The first time, yes, it was before her first session with Cal, when she didn't know him or his family, just that they were in danger. The second time was three years after they started the Lightman Group; a few months before Cal and Zoe divorced. It was Emily's twelfth birthday, and Cal was driving the entire office nuts not-leaving for the party. Finch was in Gillian's office, just walked through the door, reminded her that the danger still stood, and that Doyle could come for them at any time.

She was so badly shaken-up that Cal noticed, and stayed an extra hour with her, then drove her home. He missed most of the party, and Zoe had been furious. Emily has forgiven her; Zoe never did. If it was one of the breaking points in their marriage, Gillian doesn't want to know.

It was bad enough he put her over his family when he was still married; Gillian knows that Zoe knows that it was only a matter of time and emotional affairs are still affairs. She and Zoe agree on two things - business and the Capitals. Needless to say, Cal is not on that list, and never will be.

Cal will never know about Finch's second visit.

Gillian will risk anything to keep him and his family safe. Not once during either visit (and that should have been a sign, before the relapses and the cheating) did Alec enter into her thoughts - what was most important is that Cal and Zoe and Emily stay safe. She tells herself that it's for Cal's own good that she holds back; that it's a sublimation of her ill-starred desire for a child that she protects his so strongly. That she has to be the one to do this, because no one else can.

The strongest lies, Gillian knows, are the ones we don't even believe are lies.


End file.
